When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
Siren's Song
Sunday, October 05, 2003
My greatest fear: To wake up one morning and find my parent(s) gone.
Something gripped my heart as I read a friend's blog. In a funny way it hurt a lot. I'm still in a dire state of shock. I hope I didn't traumatize him by overreacting though.
Death Etymology: Middle English deeth, from Old English dEath; akin to Old Norse dauthi death, deyja to die
My first experience with death was prolly kinda morbid. Grandpa hung himself in the middle of the night. He didn't die by asphyxiation though. The rope tore and he fell to his mortal end. Or at least that's what I gathered from the hushed conversations between adults. For a long long time I was confined to the second floor of the house and above. I haven't attended school then so what the clock face tells meant nothing to me, but it sure felt long, or so I recall. All I knew from the furtive peeks I took of downstairs was a big black bag and officers in navy blue uniform. I was only four.
That was prolly the closest encounter of loved ones passing away for me. Many funerals I did attend, but I was never by their deathbed. I never had to watch that flicker of life being snuffed out, those last few grains of sand passing through one's mortal hourglass. Never. Not even for Rabbeet, nor the stray kitten I took in.
He did.
"i would have imagined that she was waiting for me to reach home before passing away. i reached home around 5.30. she passed away at around 6 plus."
That line made my heart skip a beat with an icy grip. I visualized the entire scene in that line. Clearly. Vividly. I felt what I might have felt in his shoes, in that place, at that time. Stoned. Lost. Confused. Not knowing what to do. Maybe even an eerie displaced sense of peace.
A tear did form in my eye. For whom, or for what, eludes me. I felt strangely weighed down by his sadness, by his situation. Is it from my own fear of losing someone the same way that troubles me? I do not know. I do not dare to know.
I was once again engaged in the childhood feeling of "a long long time", this time with him in my thoughts. There's just this sudden urge to hold this avenging angel-like being into my arms, hoping he'd find some comfort here. Then again, who am I to appear outta nowhere and mess around with his life when the thing he needs is being left alone. Who am I to think anything I do or try to do would ameliorate his situation? Who am I to offer relief and rest from all that emotional turmoil he's going through? But I want to, because his unhappiness stayed with me.
To him:
I'll leave you alone. But I'll be here if you ever need me.
Cordell Cranberries
Once you ruled my mind,
I thought you'd always be there.
And I'll always hold on to your face.
But everything changes in time,
And the answers are not always fair.
And I hope you've gone to a better place.
Cordell,
Time will tell,
They say that you've passed away,
And I hope you've gone to a better place.
Time will tell,
Time will tell,
They say that you've passed away,
And I know that you've gone to a better place.
Cordell {X7}
Your lover and baby will cry,
But your presense will always remain,
Is this how it was meant to be?
You meant something more to me,
That what many people will see,
And to hell with the endless dream.
Cordell,
Time will tell,
They say that you've passed away,
And I hope you've gone to a better place.
Time will tell,
Time will tell,
We all will depart and decay,
And we all will return to a better place.
Cordell {X7}
Na, na, na...
A spectrum of colours blending into one another with flawless pulchritude. Light, wimpy rain was falling just after I finished giving tuition to my second student. Somehow the feel of the air, the smell of rainy-day talmac, the looming grey clouds shone upon by bright cheery sunshine, all remind me of that day in Melbourne, when Jim was driving me back to Ja's place from his. Melbournian guys never seem to understand my inordinate love for rainbows, but Jim bore that in mind. He was like... "Rain and sunshine... hm... look behind you, there should be a rainbow." Bimbotically, and somewhat unbelievingly, I turned my head and took a glimpse. At first sight, there was only dark cumulonimbus filling the skies. It was so dark, how could there ever be a rainbow?
Then I saw it. All seven colours of a bent lolly painted against the dull backdrop. *gasp*
I had that exact same *gasp* reaction when I saw that lovely bridge yesterday. A goldfish with its mouth wide open, stunned, at the sight of such an elementary thing. People must have laughed.
I texted a zillion people about the rainbow sighting, yet few shared my wondrous delight. Amused they are though. Even Jimmy didn't reply.
Doink Blogspot. It doesn't support Chinese text. "Wu4 shi4 ren2 fei1 shi4 shi4 xiu1, yu4 yu3 lei4 xian1 liu2" would have captured my inner voice then. Caught in the same scenario, trapped by the same emotions and feelings, the only thing lacking being the persons involved in the original picture. Tears, like they have for umpteen times, fallen before I could say a word.
Do I miss him? Maybe so, maybe not. But I do so reminisce that moment in time.
O rainbow, are you a sign of hope?
Or does all things bright emanate from an illusory pot of gold:
A deadly decoy,
Down your lovely slope?
